The confessions of a clueless mind

  One observation I have made is that individuals who have had limited exposure to roles requiring sustained selflessness, long-term commitment, or responsibility toward the needs of others may be more susceptible to developing certain toxic relationship behaviors. Examples of such experiences might include: Raising children. Caring for elderly family members. Maintaining a long-term partnership that requires sacrifice, compromise, and emotional stability. Assuming responsibility for the welfare and well-being of others over an extended period. The common element across these experiences is that they often require a person to regularly subordinate their immediate wants, emotions, or preferences in service of a larger objective, relationship, or collective good. Without such experiences, an individual's worldview can become excessively self-referential. Interactions are frequently filtered through a lens of personal validation, personal grievance, and personal expectations. As a res...

Every generation has a golden era. For my generation, it was the 90's. Most kids on the cusp of adoloscence found their calling in the eventful period that preceded the Y2K euphoria. As a bunch of early teens just discovering the birds and the bees, the 90's heralded an exciting phase in our boyz-to-men journey. Coupled with the changing political and economical situation in the country, the period was significant for the various influences it had on us. As India, under the able yet eventually discredited P.V. Narasimha Rao, opened its doors to the world in a clear cry of capitalism, the first noticeable change in our lives was the advent of satellite TV. For a bunch that found its entertainment in a single channel on the state run Doordarshan for years, the sudden exposure to a variety of international channels, and the liberal dose of skinshow that they brought along, was a shock that took a while to adjust to. The influences of those early days, after a long period of la...

Yesterday, I finally resigned formally from the organization that I had given my blood and sweat to for the past 6 and half years . There was a strange sense of loss even as I was filling in the Separation Form. Having started my career as a junior software engineer, I graduated through the ranks to finally end up where I did. The journey, despite all the shortcomings and the denied opportunities, had its good moments. So many experiences. So many memories. So many changes that my life went through while I was part of this organization. Surely, IBM will remain very close to my heart. It wasn't the perfect organization to work for. But then no organization is perfect. The fact that I didn’t ever seriously think about quitting in the past 6 and half years is proof that there was something innately good about working for this organization. For all the good things about this place, there is one big aspect where this organization is a big letdown. And I am not even talking about salarie...

March 05, 2006. Sunday. Around 7 PM. A family of 5 is driving back to Bangalore from Tirupathi, in their new car. A young man, all of 24 years, is behind the wheel, driving along the highway as he has so many times in the past. His uncle had bought a new car, and had planned to visit Tirupathi over the weekend with wife and twin daughters. Since he was known to be a very good driver, his uncle asked him to accompany them to the sacred shrine. On the way back, about 10 kms from Kolar towards Bangalore, he is driving through a series of treacherous curves on the highway. To avoid the muddy lane, he steers the car just a wee bit to the right, almost to the center of the road. An oncoming tanker appears out of the blind curve. Before he realizes, it's all over . A head-on collision so strong that it split the Santro into two halves. His uncle died on the spot with his skull busted open. He suffered internal bleeding, with ruptured testicles, and finally succumbed on way to the hospital...

Have been inactive on blogspot for an entire year. I had been posting my ramblings on rediffblogs for the past year. After trying out both blogspot and rediffblogs, I am now convinced this is the best place to be. I intend to be back on blogspot from now. A few posts will be copied over from my other blog, over the next few days, due to want of original posting material.

I have nothing to write, but since it has been such a long time since I visited my blog, I felt compelled to write a few lines to reassure myself that I havent turned illiterate. Not just yet. Last few weeks have been very eventful in terms of the mental turmoil that I have been going through. Weekends have passed pondering over what my next career move should be, or whether I should pursue higher studies. I have spent hours reading up Servlets, EJBs, JSPs and struts. And ofcourse, someone told me that a 5 year experienced techie should be well versed in design patterns as well. So I tortured myself for a few hours learning that . And some UML too. And managed to force myself to attend a couple of interviews at some reputed places. Personally, I felt I did the interviews rather well. But my salary demands have probably not gone down too well because of which I havent really got any decent offers yet. Why would anyone pay me so much when they can get people from smaller companies to do...

In times of disgust came a shimmer of light. And washed away all the discontentment, only to leave me with a new confussion as to which path I should tread on now. Till this good news came along, I had come to terms with the fact that my career had reached a standstill, and therefore, I had to innovate to set it back on track again. On a new ground. But now, after this huge leap, I am not sure if I have the will to tread new grounds. When the current one seems to be getting good, why expend energy looking for new ones. But again, If I dont explore outside, I may be missing out on things much bigger than what I have received now. But after such a long period of discontentment, even a small ray of light can light up one's eyes like a million bulbs. For now, I am contented. And confused. Is this really a promotion? Or just another pitfall? Am i being made to bite some cheap bait? Should I sing my urge to explore to sleep ? Should I celebrate and succumb ? Or should I explore and redi...

This past Sunday, as I was sulking in my boredom, I couldnt help trace back to my childhood days, when every holiday was an event. When weekends meant cricket matches, pranks, fighting with my brother, breaking things, some more fighting with my bro etc. I was this fresh faced, innocent little kid that was exceptionally good at almost everything that kids his age were expected to revel in. Like Cricket, scoring marks in tests, athletics, putting on a good behaviour in front of guests, and always being truthful. This last quality that i mentioned didnt augur quite that well with my bullying brother. Everytime he broke a vase, or everytime he helped himself to some cashews stolen from my Mom's treasured collection, my innate need to be truthful would always put him in trouble. And in most cases, pain. Here are some of my treasured memories from my younger years: 1)I was about 7 years old when my brother invented a new game. He was a maverick who always wanted to come out with some...

A few months ago, I had blogged about the seemingly impossible task of finding a suitable bride for my super-eligible bum-chum Shankar. Seemingly impossible because Shankar had to find a girl who would meet the high expectations of all his well-wishers. And knowing Shankar to be the noble samaritan that he is, he certainly has a lot of well-wishers. And therefore, finding a girl who would be physically attractive yet demure, intellectually stimulating yet naive, academically brilliant yet not headstrong, professionally settled yet willing to give it all up if asked to, was a tall order. Add to this, the sense of urgency that he was forced to conduct his search under. And ofcourse, unrelenting work pressure which Shankar is innately incapable of rejecting. In such a boiler room situation, even the toughest nut would crack. But not our man. Or did he? Well, Shankar, after the minutest of deliberations, was almost impatient to say yes to the girl that we now know to be his fiancee. The ...

Tuesday, Nov 9th 2004: It is just 5 days to the Wedding. My wedding. And yesterday I was a kid. I still have those bermudas that i adored in school. My Hero Ranger is still lying in Sid's place cos he wanted to shed some kilos by cycling. And ofcourse, my marble collection from 5th std was all intact and sparkling when I gave it away to the maid's kids last month.Sid still calls me CK, just like he used to in high school. Alright, so he doesnt sound like Donald Duck anymore. My mom still mixes my rice for me , just like when I was a kid. And yes, I am getting married this weekend. No, it is not illegal for a 27 year old to marry. Certainly Not in India. But I was a kid just yesterday. But today I am an adult. So is Sid. Likewise with Shankar. And that's why Sid doesnt come to me with stories about his walk-up-the-hill-holding-hands-with-Chithra. That's why Shankar doesnt show me around Reshu's house when we cycle upto Gandhi bazaar. And that's why CP doesnt show...

Last Friday, I woke up not-so-early to a ringing cellphone. To my pleasant surprise, it was my good friend Aj from the US. Speaking to him after a rather long time felt good. It also rubbed in the realisation that one of my best buddies was not going to be around for the biggest moment of my life. But I guess things are the way they are meant to be. I was very happy to hear from Aj about his professional growth. He termed it as a "dream come true". That must really be something then, because Aj is rather tough to please, and I can vouch for it from our 11 years of friendship. Anyways, it always feels great to begin your day talking to a friend. Especially if he's one of your best buds. And he seems to have taken a massive liking to the US and its people. And he certainly knows a thing or two about the Presidential elections in US. And he expressed his regret at not being able to cast his vote for Kerry. Not sure if his regret was for Kerry missing out on a vote, or his n...

At a round table meeting with one of our senior account managers, I asked "Is there any incentive for employees who have put in long years for the company? I ask this because there is a general belief that such people are taken for granted since they will anyway continue to stay on". My question served to humor all the people around for the sheer bluntness with which I put it. However, it didnt serve to exact an answer from the manager.Now, I ask the same question again. However, this time it concerns my personal life.Why is it that the people you love the most, the people you want to be with whenever you can, take you for granted? Why is it that when they know you would go out of your way to meet their demands, they make sure you go out of your way? If it is just to test whether you really love them as much as you should, then it is probably acceptable a couple of times to go through their unreasonable demands. But if you are being tested every day , and you are expected to ...

Do those cocktail designers really intend to mean anything when they christen their concotions with extremely fanciful and imaginative names? Or do they just borrow these visually and aurally appealing names from some tourist magazine and then randomly distribute them across their collection of mixed drinks that they believe taste differently from one another?I am inclined towards supporting the latter. This past weekend, there was a " Caribbean " (visual imagery again) cocktail festival at Zero-G , and R and I were curious to see what this was all about. Add to that R's curiosity about cocktails. We walked straight into a super-suave waiter at Zero-G who even allowed us to choose the corner we wanted to place ourselves at. Call it great customer care, or simply, empty seats in every corner. We decided to give the benefit of doubt to the waiter, and decided to tip him generously for his politeness. Till this point, everything was fine. After we placed ourselves at seats o...

Been a while since I penned any thoughts in here. Haven't been able to squeeze in any time for blogging of late. And today, I stumbled across a few rediff blogs and got "inspired" by some of them for their sheer nostalgic content. As for me, nostalgia has always been a favorite activity whenever I stumble across any artefact from my past. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was clearing my attic, and had to throw away my text books from high school. And that triggered off a huge wave of nostalgia, thinking about those great times that I had in St.Paul's. Those friends, the crushes, the intense rivalry with Deepak to secure the 3rd rank (the first 2 were never up for grabs, thanks to Rohini and Janhavi), and the thrill of never having lost out in that rivalry ever, etc. Kids these days are missing out on the kind of innocent fun that our generation was lucky to have had. The time when a monthly allowance of Rs.50 was a princely amount, and was enough to actually add to my a...

Contrary to what the title to this article might lead you to guess, my best friend is still unmarried. Infact, he's not even hooked yet. If there's any eligible bachelorette reading this, you know whom to contact if you are interested in meeting the nicest guy on this planet. Now, I am really not exaggerating when I call him the nicest guy around. What would you call a guy who is way above the average in terms of his professional achievements, who has, in my 11 years of knowing him, never been vexed at anyone or anything, who adores his family and does everything to make sure they are happy, who blushes red in the face when reciting even a vegetarian joke, etc etc. Nicest guy would be the closest I could get to being able to do justice to his extremely delectable demeanor. Shankar and I first met in 1993 when we joined 11th std in NCJ. I cant say we hit it off immediately. Shankar was this noble samaritan who would religiously attend classes with rapt attention, and then dissem...

As I sit here cursing my situation for having to come back to work after a 4 day vacation, I cant help but stare at this diamond studded ring sitting pretty on my finger. For the weak witted, that means I am engaged. In a small ceremony on the 19th Sep, I exchanged rings and a promise to share the rest of our lives with Dr.R. Conventional humor would demand a cliched punchline "Another one bites the dust". But deep down, I am thinking, if dust was this sweet, who wouldnt wanna bite it. Come children's day on Nov 14th, we should be pronounced man and wife. Sounds exciting!

I am new at writing blogs, but I have been sufficiently inspired by some very close people, who have convinced me that this is the best way to put my weird thoughts to good use. When I say weird, what I really mean is thoughts that one would not really want think too much about, but ones that everyone would come across some time or the other. This is just an attempt to record everything that would, at the time of its conception, not seem proper to be discussed with people, but would serve to humour me, and anyone who cares to read my blog, at a later time. There are times when I read an article from a newspaper, and disagree with most things written, and would want to lash out with my opinions but cant, only due to the absence of a medium to lash out on. Which is why I think this is a great idea to help people with strong opinions such as yours truly to hold on to their sanity by venting their frustrations, or just their calm and composed thoughts , on to a medium which can be accessi...